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I Am Skooter
So here's us, on the raggedy edge.
If your life is a leaf / that that the seasons tear off and condemn They will bind you with love / that is graceful and green as a stem
— Leonard Cohen, Sisters of Mercy
June 20, 2011
A Detailed Summary of The Humpty Dance

Despite the fact that a lot of information it contains is dubious at best I like Wikipedia on the whole. It has it’s charms. One of those is that nothing ever gets deleted: the Wiki software tracks changes and you can review them anytime.

A while ago, somebody updated the entry for The Humpty Dance to include a detailed summary of the dance. It’s since been deleted (you can see the diff including the entry here) but I thought it needed to be preserved. It’s written in an encyclopaedic style, and represents the kind of genius that is both inspired and an stunning waste of time.

Mr. Hump gets everyone’s attention by requesting they end the task they are performing at that time. Mr. Hump then proceeds to take one’s perception of what’s popular and make it no longer appealing. He then goes on to say that despite his comical appearance he is very wealthy, and the planet earth should prepare for his arrival. Mr. Hump invites a group to give their undivided attention as he explains that he has recently moved to the area and he does not make wise decisions. This is of course irrelevant due to his music being produced by his group Digital Underground. He then warns everyone that he will consume all of their cognac that they own. Mr. Hump now decides to introduce himself in a sort of condescending way by removing the initial letter of his first name and then repeating it to the listener. Mr. Hump tells all of the female listeners he would like to perform intercourse with them and issues a request to the current top ten popular rap artists to allow him to be above all of them on the music charts. The listeners should note Mr. Hump seems to be walking on stilts. He then compares the listeners to a Humpty Dumpty where an egg falls from a wall. Pursuing this metaphor, Mr. Hump claims his loud music will cause his listeners to share the same fate with said egg. Mr. Hump then energetically describes some of his favorite things which include: using words that sound alike, his music to have a strange odor emitting from it, and his breakfast oats not to be mixed well. Mr. Hump claims that he is an ill gang member who does very well with members of the opposite sex. Despite all of that, once in a while his absurd behavior causes him to consume all of the listener’s saltines and twizzlers for an undisclosed reason. Mr. Hump then gets the attention of his overweight female listeners by using some offensive phrases. Mr. Hump then points out the fact that even though he is significantly smaller than his overweight listeners he has never had a problem having sexual intercourse with women of their stature. Mr. Hump admits he is a sexual deviant who prefers females with an extremely large posterior, and that he once had intercourse in the restroom of a Burger King. Mr. Hump shares with his listeners that he suffers from some type of mental disorder but will somehow make up for that by leaving his listeners in awe. Despite the fact Mr. Hump is by most standards not a very attractive man he still manages to find himself in situations where women allow him to rummage around in their trousers. Mr. Hump finally reveals to the listeners that he has a dance named after him known as the humpty dance. The audience is now encouraged to perform this dance and observe Mr. Hump perform the dance as well.

Mr. Hump has a very high self-esteem, even though his peers are constantly judging his appearance. Some individuals who oppose Mr. Hump sometimes give him menacing looks and it seems Mr. Hump has a restraining order on said individuals. Mr. Hump exceeds expectations on the dance floor. The females all have strong feelings towards Mr. Hump. Mr. Hump genuinely cares for members of the opposite sex, and proves it by letting them know in advance that his prosthetic nose will stimulate their anus while he performs cunnilingus on a woman who is lying on top of him performing fellatio. Mr. Hump is not embarrassed by his oversized nose, because it has provided him a very good living; instead he compares it to a cucumber that has sat in vinegar for an extended period of time. Mr. Hump wants the listener to know once again he has intercourse with members of the opposite sex. He then compares his social status to the size of his nose which as mentioned before is quite great. Despite the fact Mr. Hump can be quite intoxicated, his archery skills are comparable to cupid that makes people fall in love on Valentine’s Day. Mr. Hump informs the listeners’ he uses words that have no meaning and cannot be found in a dictionary. Mr. Hump goes on to confide that he was a performer on the album ”Doowhutchalike”, (pronounced “do what you like”); however, in the event the listener did not by chance hear that album, Mr. Hump had advised his listeners to grasp the flour-and-water mixture that was baked and served during breakfast. Mr. Hump claims he warned the listeners he enjoys using his teeth on them, as well as making use of a pencil and paper, which he feels is self-explanatory. Mr. Hump further informs the listener he will perform the dance named after himself, if the listener will allow it.

Mr. Hump requests that his band mate responsible for bass sound make special notes for him to imitate, which he does presumably to the best of his ability. At this time Mr. Hump takes the opportunity to instruct the listeners on the correct method of performing the dance known as the Humpty Dance. The first thing one would do when performing the dance is move sideways like an individual who has suffered a fractured leg. Next the dancer will move in such a manner that a reasonable person would assume the dancer was burning, but the flames were not present at that time. By this time while Mr. Hump is performing the dance, his peers would tell him he resembled MC Hammer freebasing cocaine. Mr. Hump assures them he is doing the dance properly, and it is supposed to resemble an epileptic suffering from a seizure. This activity can be practiced by anybody who so chooses, and Mr. Hump once again reminds the listener the dance is named after him. When performed correctly, two or more people will not perform the dance in a synchronized manner. The dance must give the perception the person performing the dance is clearly not enjoying themselves, possibly even considering a pain remedy. Mr. Hump then encourages the listener to stand up for themselves and continue dancing if by chance a man should confront them with the evidence of an unknown accident that has left that man with only part of his digit.

Posted by skooter at 11:19 PM This entry is filed under Music.
This entry is tagged: Humpty Dance, Videos, Wikipedia

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